The difference between being self-absorbed and loving yourself


Self absorbed people are the ones who are operating on fear and inner weakness.

They appear to only be thinking about themselves but it’d be more correct to say they’re thinking about everything else in relation to their personal worth.  Being self-absorbed is a bit of a misnomer given that they are completely outside-absorbed; relying on everything outside of them to make them feel good about themselves.

This is why they use others, squander their money, act out for attention and lie to people including themselves.  It’s because they’re trying so hard to feel important, in control, loved, and worthy by attempting to mold the world to benefit them; and of course that ultimately never works.

They may come off as ultra confident and in control, but once something that they rely on fails to support their worth as a person, they begin to break down.  They’re reliant on manipulating everything on the outside and are too afraid to look inside.  They find they are unable to cope and have great difficulty finding value within themselves or having any idea of who they really are.

They are unstable, whether or not they’re aware of it.  Their facade and fortress are made up of things completely out of their control, and huddled behind those walls is someone who is deathly afraid of the truth.  They may appear to be happy, but truly happy people don’t carelessly hurt themselves or others.

On the other hand, people who have self love are operating on inner strength and genuine love and respect for themselves.

They are inner-absorbed in that they are fully aware and focused on what is going on inside of them and generating their own feelings of self-worth and love all on their own.  They ultimately rely on nothing external to keep them going, thus they will not feel the desperate urge to hoard and manipulate people and things to keep themselves afloat.

They understand that by putting effort into working on their own inner conflicts and by being responsible for their actions and perspectives on life — despite what may be going on around them– they become that much more adept and unburdened when actually dealing with the external things.  Because they are so self-fueled they do not buy into the manipulations of drama, societal pressures, or other people’s definition of success.

It’s not that they don’t enjoy and aspire towards wealth, love, and the finer things in life; it’s just that they are able to fully enjoy life with or without these things.  That is the powerful thing within them — that they can fuel their own flame, thus even in cold or dark times they will be able to survive and eventually rebuild themselves.

People who are have self love are the ones doing things because it makes their life fun, productive, and worth living; not waiting for so-called signs of success to show up first before they can enjoy living.  They are truly independent, regardless of their current living situation or bank account.  They are ultimately the ones who are able to give the most to others and the world because they are their own powerhouse and aren’t trying so hard to take from everyone else.

I present these not as black and white, but shades of grey that we all have inside of us.  It’s never about being perfect.  It’s all about simply being aware of why we do what we do and recognizing the power to choose which side of the spectrum we wish to come from.

One of the biggest blocks in my personal self improvement has been getting around the idea that I am being self-absorbed by focusing on my own life before anyone elses; and people I’ve coached have also expressed the same worry.  I know it can feel counterproductive to work on personal thoughts when you have concerns about other people or situations, but everything outside is ultimately interpreted and experienced via who you really are on the inside.

The benefits of cultivating such inner love are so influential and productive that it cannot be seen as just a pretty-sounding ideal.

It is the epitome of true strength and personal independence.

2 thoughts on “The difference between being self-absorbed and loving yourself

  1. johncoyote says:

    ” in my personal self improvement has been getting around the idea that I am being self-absorbed by focusing on my own life before anyone elses; and people I’ve coached have also expressed the same worry. ”
    I like the blog. You open the door to a long conversation and a lot of coffee. Being self-absorbed can be a two sided coin. We must seek happiness in our life too and have concern for the world around us. Thank you for your thoughts on a important topic.

    • The Life Monk says:

      I believe that the key to everything is balance… and we ourselves should be balanced if we expect to give our best to others. Thank you for all your comments! I’m glad you find my musings helpful 🙂

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