The unbecoming of me


I could blame living in Hollywood, I could blame society, I could blame the media…from the billboards to the ads on my sidebar.  But in truth it is all a choice how much I want it to affect me.

I’m giving up trying to be my best self.  I realized recently that forcing myself to be well-behaved, to say the ‘right’ things, to try to always analyze what I should best do in a situation to get the best result that I want — it’s completely missing the point.  It’s isn’t authentic and it’s trying way too hard to become rather than to just be.

More than ever before I noticed I’m obsessing about looking ‘right’ to people, creating the right image verbally and visually.  More than ever I had been feeling alienated because I’m not in-the-know about the most recent movies, shows, celebrities.  More than ever I’ve been feeling like an outsider who may not have any business here.

And that’s when I realized that I was doing all the alienating. No one has been pushing me away or overtly judging me — in fact I’ve been making closer friendships and enjoying more heartfelt conversation.  I’m the one who’s been saying “sorry, I’m weird, I don’t watch much TV,” and taking extra notice when I have nothing to say in a group discussing such matters.  I’ve been judging myself harshly — no one else.

I ask myself why I’m so into self-improvement and practical philosophy, as if I need an excuse to be so into my own matters.  Where am I trying to get to?

I’ve always been attempting to morph into a strong-minded, kind-hearted, fun-loving, life-embracing woman who does the highest good for herself and others.  There was always this perfect version of myself that I knew I could get to if I kept learning and growing.

But what happened in the meantime was that I began to repress things that were natural to me.  One of my new years resolutions was to watch more movies so I could be more in-the-know.  While taking my life coaching course I began to over-analyze whether I fit in with what a life coach ‘should’ look like, and began to mentally berate myself for not appearing more professional.

I realize now that I was probably more of a strong-minded, kind-hearted, fun-loving, life-embracing woman a decade ago; running around in cut-off army pants and facial piercings, and joyously taking in all life had to offer.  Now I see that I’ve repressed that outlook, that acceptance, that punky self-pride and relief of rebellion.  Now I find myself looking at fashionistas strolling around and wondering if I am wearing something acceptable in their eyes.

Giving up my goal of becoming my best self has been replaced with just being my genuine self.

I know that underneath the fears I’ve been trying so hard to conquer, is a person who is all those loving qualities I’ve always wanted.  I know that’s who I really am, and it’s only when my self-doubt kicks in that I become someone lesser.

Instead of trying so hard to become, I’m going to focus on un-becoming.  Unbecoming all the filters, restrictions, judgments I’ve subject myself to — me, no one else — and stop fighting myself.

The more I’ve tried to cover up and go against my own grain, the more spite I’ve held towards myself and others.  I know that changes will be made much easier once I stop fighting and let myself be me.

So, ok. This is my life, and this is the real me.

One thought on “The unbecoming of me

  1. Liquid Cleanse says:

    Good post. I learn something new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon every day.

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