I find myself thinking of death more often. Somehow it wasn’t there when I was flying around on the backs of motorcycles 10 years ago, but now I find myself thinking about it while driving to work.
I realized that my biggest fear isn’t about death itself, but about dying before fully being myself. I and know the only thing holding me back from myself is me.
In the end, in the very last moment, it’s just me and my thoughts and experiences. That’s all my life will eventually amount to.
That sounds depressing but it really isn’t. It’s freedom.
I live, I experience and interact, and then I die and face whatever does or doesn’t happen after that.
Life and death happen all on their own. What I do have control over is what I do in between all that. The experiences and interactions are all I’ll ever truly own, so how exciting that those are the things I have a say in?
I’ve been doing a lot of thought about what really truly makes me happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Not in my 16 year old punky way, but in a genuine understanding of my own true brand of self expression.
I want to be as honest as possible, to myself, to my readers and clients, to everyone.
Since I realized this, a great heaviness has been lifted. I’m no longer expressing myself for (or against) society or friends or lovers or parents; I know this is fully me. And so many things I’m still experiencing inner conflict over — I didn’t realize so many things I gravitated towards were for ideals that I didn’t even truly like!
It has to make sense to me, first and foremost. I am me so why seek anything but what works for myself? All the contradictions and multiple niches that I never fully fit into and the oddness that I still feel are great things. I am my own unique niche.
Life’s too short to not be the biggest, best, funnest and fullest expression of myself.
One day I’m going to be dead.
I’m not immortal but neither are judgements from others and “shoulds” from society.
100 years from now this all won’t matter. So I will make it matter while I still can.